To the Desert

Oooh. Oooh oooh oooh. That’s me calming myself down.

Or I could say, “Holy shit!” Not a very sacred way to start this post, but that’s what we say back in Jersey when something big is goin’ down.

I just spoke with my sister, who grew up with me in Jersey. And something big is indeed goin’ down. So it feels fitting. At least it feels that way to me.

In 7 hours a woman I’ve never met before will pick me up at the crack of dawn. We’ll drive 9 hours to a desert (Death Valley, how fitting) I’ve never been before. There I’ll meet 10 other people, all but one who I’ve met before, and embark on 9 days of ritual, ceremony, council, and 4 days of fasting, three days solo in the wilderness with a sleeping bag, a tarp, water and my journal. No, I’ve never done that before either!

So I stand at the brink of a Vision Quest, a scared journey into the unknown. I’ve been excited all week. And today the fear and grief came through like a mighty Pacific storm. Wowsers. It was all I could do to keep myself tied to the mast and keep movin’ through.

And I did. And I had too. My mother will attest to my habit of leaving packing to the last minute.

And here I am now. At nine at night. The bills are paid. The emails sent. The bags are packed, beautifully. I even cleaned the kitchen! Though not as beautifully.

And I’m feeling…rather good, enjoying a sweet cup of chai and a few morsels of chocolate, a cozy way to celebrate this last night at home, to end a sweet week of potlucks, friends and holiday warmth, and to celebrate the completion of my preparation – of buying tarps and borrowing down coats and sleeping bags and going on an 8 mile “Day Walk” to seek guidance and meeting with my precious Men’s Group and handling a hundred other matters.

I might actually save this week’s to-do list for posterity. Sample items include:
- Give notice to landlord I am leaving this house
- Pay garbage bill
- Prep for Death Lodge

So what lies ahead? It’s hard to say much about a process I know so little about. I can say it feels right to do this. I can say I believe it will change me – perhaps profoundly - though I’m not sure how.

People embark on Vision Quests for different reasons. I am going because I feel my quest will help me continue to move between worlds: between a world based on more on fear and control to one based on trust and openness. I am going because I want to be tested, to face my fears and work through and overcome some of them. I am going to cultivate that sense of being “at home” more deeply inside me, wherever I am. And I am going to further my transformation: to let go and grieve and find a deeper love and support in myself, in the earth, in the stars…and, perhaps, in unexpected places.

And I’m sure I’m going for other reasons, but my mind isn’t conscious of every conspiracy of my soul and the universe. It just gets a glimpse, and if I’m lucky, I muster the courage to go with it.

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me get to a point in my life where a Vision Quest not only makes sense, but it’s actually something I’m choosing to do, despite my fears. The support and wisdom and love and cheerleading I’ve gotten from so many of you during the past few years, and especially the past few weeks and months, has made a tremendous difference for me.

A kid from Jersey who used to pride himself on his math mind – OK, still does – and started an atheist group in his high school (for real) now knows he has a soul, is now choosing to surrender himself to the universe, has slowly, over time, built the courage to make the move. This is a victory for the universe! ;-)

The grief. I wonder about it. I think it has to do with leaving home, and coming home, and also letting certain things go so that I can make space for new things. Letting go of loves lost and never had to make room for so much more. I'm doing my best to make room for it, remind myself that all that comes now is necessary, and that I am learning to strike a balance between honoring the boy and stepping up as a man.

Right now I feel like I’m standing at the shore of a large lake. It is dusk. It is misty. The water and the air are cool. Rocky cliffs surround us. I’ve never had the courage to walk up to this lake before and stand before it.

These past few months, I’ve found that courage. The lake is big and strong – foreboding in some ways - and yet I can stand before it now.

And there is a boat. It is not a big boat. It looks stable enough, but just barely, and by no means modern. That boat will take me to the other side of the lake.

I want to see that other side so much. But I’m scared. But tomorrow morning at 5am I’m getting in that boat anyway. I’m listening to my soul and doing something scary and having faith I’ll make it through.

I am nervous about the voyage. And I am also excited! To learn new ways and rituals and ceremonies on this boat. To receive wisdom from guides and others on this lake. To commune deeply with the earth, with the rocks, with the blue sky. To sleep under a blanket of stars, and stare up in awe at the night sky that has held me so close since I was a child. To do the rituals and face the fears and feel the fatigue and yet push on. To build fires and burn paper and release what I no longer need into the deep, black water; to cherish rocks and skin and ritual objects as if they were bread; and to pluck treasures, precious treasures, from the mystery.

And to reach the other side. At least to catch more of a glimpse of that new world. To see and feel and smell and experience what more of what it means to live meaningfully and sensually and with a deep knowledge that I am held and safe in this gorgeous world. To dance in it even! And I don’t know any other way there except to cross this dark, mysterious body of water.

I’m staying conscious of the over achiever in me, and of the mystery. I really don’t know what will happen, and I imagine I will accept whatever comes.

And yet at this moment I want to let myself dream big. To balance the fears with a big huge love, wonder, passion and faith.

Whatever your beliefs, I know that if you are reading this, you love me. I ask for your prayers, your thoughts, your blessings, your love and your belief in me as I embark on this journey. It will make a difference, and I will hold you in my heart when I am out there.

Much love,
Roni

And how fitting that the 3 nights before my 3 day solo are the 3 last nights of Hanukkah, and I, wandering Jew, will be in the desert, Menorah and candles in hand.

In the Jungle

Well folks, here it is, better late than never: the story on me and the jungle.

I was feeling both excitement and fear about being there alone. And it all came to pass.

Fear at night, especially at first. Fear of snakes – I saw one, a 5 foot long, 4-6 inch thick jumping pit viper, one of the most venomous of the 130 snake species in Costa Rica. It actually wasn’t very scary.

Loneliness too, and all that brought up in a place of few distractions. Longing came up, and grief followed. I sat patiently with myself and worked through these feelings and took good care of myself. I done good.

And oh, the beauty. Waking and going to sleep to the sound of crickets and birds and the breeze through the trees. Being bathed in the light of the full moon as bats and fireflies circled over head. Gazing out at the placid Gulfo Dulce, at fields of cows, at lush rainforest. Walking alone through dense jungle, across creeks, up to – and in - waterfalls...and amidst so many animals, including, monkeys!

I'd never seen monkeys before, and certainly not this many. I'd see them daily, in troupes of 5 to 10. White faced Cachuphins, bigger Howlers. Babies on the backs of mamas. Crazy sounding Howler calls at 4am to welcome the dawn - and wake me up!

Ya’ll know how much I love monkeys. I always have. They are some of our closest relatives. We share common ancestors. They are beautiful and smart, and really cute!

They also know how to fight. At one point I found myself between 4 warring monkeys, baring their teeth at each other with me in the middle. They were at most 5 feet away, in trees, at eye level. I felt alert but comfortable. It was awesome.

So beauty. A lot of it. And fear and grief, and all of it.

The beauty felt gooood to take in. And the fear and grief were good stuff to face, all important parts of my path right now. What came most to me was the idea of feeling safe and loved and at home wherever I am…and with love and practice, I felt it more and more.

I am home wherever I am. Because I’m in this universe, my home. Because I’m on earth, my home. And because I am in me! All words that are feeling far truer because of my 5 days of mainly solitude. So much so, that by my last few nights, I reveled in being alone, savored laying in my hammock for hours, with a few candles lit and the warm breeze caressing my skin and the gorgeous full moon bathing me in her light.

Pura Vida,
Love Roni

And finally, here's a 10 minute movie I strung together. Muy fun!

El Futbol - viva la Ligua!

I´m being treated like royalty today because of the shirt I´m wearing. It´s really, really fun, and a bit eerie, in a good way. Let me tell you about it.

You see, one of the things I like to do most when visiting a foreign country is go to a soccer game. And the gods of sport have blessed me well: it seems that whenever I show up somewhere, there´s a really big game happening, and I manage to find out about it, and get a ticket.

In Britain it was Arsenal-Liverpool. It was sold out, of course: They are 2 of the best sides (teams) in the UK. I went to the stadium, avoided the $150 a ticket scalpers, and my god of sport in the guise of a kind black man comes up to me and says, wanna come in with me? I have an extra ticket. $30 (face value, for one of the most important matches in England). Those fish and chips wrapped in newspaper never tasted so good.

In Holland it was Ajax-Fijnord, the 2 best teams facing off in the championship. My father´s friend just gave me his 2 season tickets. I´m not sure what was more awesome - the game or the Dutch riot police on horse back (not very intimidating). Actually, I do - it was the game.

Well, last night, it was Saprisa vs. Alajuehla (aka, La Ligua!), Costa Rica´s 2 best teams facing off in game 1 of a 2 game final. Of course this should happen my last night in the country!

A new local friend, German, got us the wildly overpriced (not) $14 tickets. We picked up his friend Carlos - they´re both awesome 35 year old Tico (Costa Rican) journalists - and weaved our way the 15 miles to the stadium. German drives like a Nascar racer meets New York cabbie. I´ve really never felt more comfortable in a car, or witnessed a driver more held by the hand of God. Maybe that taxi driver in Rome.

We park in the working class neighborhood where the stadium is, and the energy is pulsing as we stride enthusiastically toward the glowing lights. Young people are dressed in their team´s colors, singing and waving flags. Men and women are hawking empanadas, drinks, and meat on sticks (which Carlos would by me later ... mmmmm).

Change up the food, the language and the color a bit, and this is how I imagine it happens everywhere on Earth. Soccer really does unite us as a species. Get on board, gringos.

OK Krouzman, nuff preachin´. Get to the game, and tell us about this royalty thing.

Well, the stadium is small by American standards - seats maybe 15,000. People are wild with enthusiasm, singing songs that sound rich and complicated to the untrained American ear (God, why don´t WE sing rich cultural songs at OUR events?). In fact, even with my limited Spanish, I now understand they are passionately singing songs that amount to, ¨Ole!¨ and ¨We want our team to win tonight!¨

Anyway, I grab my empanada, spill spicy green pepper onion soup-like substance all over it - and up the sleeve of my completely water proof Arcteryx shell (see previous post on gear), which at this point has mainly served the function of keeping water in rather than out - and we find our seats. Make that yellow concrete blocks. Not very comfy, but who cares.

The game is fucking awesome. Alajuehla (La Ligua) scores a beautiful just before the end of the first half, and the crowd goes wild. Then a minute later a Saprisa player is red carded. Down one player and down one goal, Saprisa doesn´t have much of a chance. So I indulge and flag down the chicken man, who tosses me a box of delicious fried chicken in exchange for my 4 bucks. That might buy you a pretzel at an American stadium. And the chicken was really, really good.

I also take this opportunity to firm up my allegiance - to La Ligua!, of course - much to the chagrin of my friend German, and to the joy of his friend Carlos. And hey, we´re in the Alajuehla stadium, and almost everyone is cheering for La Ligua! When in Rome...

Of course the home team wins, and it´s pandemonium. A few people get mildly out of hand, a good excuse for the stunning beautiful Costa Rica robo cop riot police to unleash a bit. They don´t have a military, so the would be army rangers here have to be content with scowling at 17 year old soccer fans and pushing them in the chest. Not too hard though. Pura Vida!

So, the royalty thing. After the game we drop Carlos (radio host, father of 3, super nice guy) off at his house, and he tells us to hold on a minute. He comes back and proudly and generously hands me an official, old school original (I am told) Ligua shirt! It´s way big, and it´s black and red (for the socialist-anarchist that I am), and it´s fucking perfect. Carlos and German, you are gems.

We go out for a beer, and I start to notice, ¨Hey, I´m getting some good attention for wearing this shirt.¨ Ganamos! says one woman as she claps my hand. We win!

Eh, si, Ganamos. Ganamos!

So it´s obvious what shirt I wear to the airport today. My new Ligua shirt! It´s stunning. Victor, my cabbie for life (salt of the earth), exclaims with joy as soon as he sees me. La Ligua! I beam with pride.

At the airport, I´m celebrated like I´m one of the players themselves. From the homeless guy begging for money at the curb, to the baggage hands, to the airport departure tax guy, to the crew of young guys running ¨security.¨ I´ve never had my hand shaken firmly and gotten such a smile after passing through the metal detector. Or been able to smuggle through so much coke!

I imagine I´m the only non-Tico at the airport today wearing a Ligua jersey. Perhaps tico or non-tico. This has been a fun post, but I´m going to go walk around and flaunt and exchange that knowing Jedi smile with fellow fans, or even the requisite ¨Ligua! Ligua!¨ chant I´ve been greeted with today as I´ve strolled the terminal.

Actually, I´m going to take a seat in that big red VIP chair for a few first and soak in the comfort of this VIP lounge. Yeah, that´s what I´m gonna do.

Viva la Ligua! Viva Futbol!

Pura Vida,
Roni

Another erie twist...

In case you were wondering, I am at the airport. I asked the nice man at information if they have public internet computers, and he said no, only in the VIP lounge, which I could enter for some ungodly fee, like $25.

So, I do what I do, which is just walk into the VIP Lounge, past the 3 receptionists, find the computer, and start typing with that of course I belong here vibe. No, you don´t need to see my identification. I´m a Jedi in training, I´m Israeli, and for God´s sake, I´m wearing a Ligua shirt!

Quepos, Costa Rica

Hola amigos. Estoy en Quepos, Costa Rica.

What a trip. I'm not feeling particularly funny or insightful. Mainly I'm feeling full of yummy local food, and pretty sleepy.

I figure every Blog entry doesn't need to be a masterpiece. So I'll just see what comes out and share some thoughts.

My 5 days mainly alone in the jungles of Osa were very rich - more to come on that in a few days. It took 3 prop plane flights yesterday (totalling 2 hours 25 minutes, including the 2 layovers) to get me from there to here.

Quepos is a town of maybe 5,000 (?!) on the Central Pacific Coast. It's very warm, quite humid, rather poor, and the people are friendly and kind. Basically typically Costa Rican I'm discerning, except that it lies 4 miles from the nation's most visited National Park, so there's a lot catered to tourists here. Easy enough to avoid, but leaves its mark of course.

Yet the town feels raw and real to me. A lot of concrete. Open street gutters for the rainwater. Sloowwww pace. Teenagers on bikes and scooters. Locals at restaurants, walking out of churches, getting ice cream. And tons of small shops: pharmacies, drinks, ice cream, restaurants, motorcycle / moped repair shop, eye glasses shop...

It feels surprisingly amazing to be in a third world country. How's that for a profound statement? ;-)

Really it's my first time in maybe 10 years, when I visited Jordan briefly. Incredibly, for someone who traveled a lot as a kid, this is actually my first time out of the country in 4 and a half years!

So third world countries. This isn't news to some of you, but wow. The innocence of people. How men smile here like children in the US. People have so much less than us materially yet seem far more in a flow, more relaxed, content with life, in closer knit families / communities. And of course almost everyone is some darker shade of brown than me, and a foot to half a foot shorter. I like how different it feels, yet we're all human.

The innocence strikes me most. Like we age too much in the US, or really, we harden. Less so here it seems. I'm thinking of future travels and the thought of melting into some Laotian village seems quite appealing. Like there would be a love and basic welcoming there that you just don't fully get in America or another "developed" country.

I'm happy to be finding that I feel rather comfortable in places like this. I'm sure my time in Israel as a child helped with that: Israel is far wealthier than Costa Rica, but the poor neighborhoods look quite similar to here, and there is also a raw, unpolished feel to the country. And people are browner, though not much shorter ;-)

I'm enjoying just strolling the streets here at night. I feel safe. I notice my racism creep up and I don't like it. And of course, like anywhere, there is a valid reason to be cautious too.

But I feel safe, and I enjoy strolling around slowly. Going to a local restaurant. Speaking Spanish where ever I can. Another very useful thing I find easy: trying and picking up other languages. I'm fluent in French and Hebrew, and I've learned a lot of Spanish in my week here. People in Costa Rica are happy to indulge and speak Spanish with you, which helps.

Some local slang I've picked up: Pura Vida, of course, which I take to basically mean, "It's all good." And then twanis (not sure on the spelling), slang for "cool," literally from the English "too nice," a Rasta Caribbean influence I'm told. And mucho gusto for thanks rather than the Spain spanish "De nada".

And buenas. Every greeting. No need for the dias or tardes or noches. You can add those, but just buenas will do.

In terms of activites, this is a big change from Osa. Osa was mainly solitude, on beaches and in the jungle. Now I'm in a pretty full hostel with internet access in a small city.

Today I did the tourist thing and flew down ziplines through the rainforest canopy. Dude, it was fun.

On the way back I struck up a conversation in Spanish with our 32-year old van driver, and after dropping everyone else off, he drove me to a hillside trail and said in spanish, walk down there and you'll get to a great beach. Oh and on the way he stops suddenly, backs up, and points out a tree sloth. Wow. Of course the beach was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm going to Manuel Antonio National Park, which is supposed to be a gem, though a small one. Rainforest spilling into the ocean, monkeys, spectacular beaches - it basically sounds like Pt Reyes meets Jurassic Park. Sounds good to me.

Wednesday morning I'm taking the bus to San Jose, a city everyone has said to avoid, but I feel attracted to it, again for its rawness. I plan to visit the central market, get some lunch, walk the streets some, and in the evening I'm meeting a friend of a friend - German (pronounces, hehr-MAHN) - who is awesome and is taking me to a Costa Rican soccer game! Yes! I love going to soccer games in foreign countries. We might also go dancing.

Thursday morning, I'm off, back through Atlanta to San Francisco and into the arms of two dear friends, who I will hug like crazy, because contact / touch just ain't something you seem to get a lot of on the road, at least not most of the time.

There's a lot more to say, and you'll get it in my next post, along with pics and video. One thing I've been working with is cultivating that "at home" feeling no matter where I am. It's something I've been working on now for quite some time in my life in general, and travelling, especially open-endedly, really brings that up. Like soon, can I go to my room and though I am a few thousands miles from Fairfax, and the weather and language and smells and architecture are so different, can I feel at home? And mostly, thankfully, the answer is, "yes".

Bueno, hasta pronto,
pura vida,
besos y amor!
Roni

OK, OH MY GOD, literally, right now, I hear the Staw Wars theme music in the background. Time to go to the communal movie lounge here at the hostel!!!

Damn it that wasn't Star Wars. It's Michael Moore's sicko. But it's all good, the almost full moon is rising and the night is perfect!

Fear, Gear, Friend of the Year - and, I'm here!

OK peeps. I spent an hour at the Atlanta airport crafting a masterful blog post on a pay-by the minute second generation Eniac computer. It posted the title, but deleted everything else. You'll have to believe me that it was quite the post: funny, insightful, rivetting even. But now it's gone. Into the ether.

Hightlights included:
- FEAR: For some reason detaching from all the major sources of security in my life is causing me to feel fear. Go figure. I'm facing this fear like a brave jedi warrior. And sometimes I just shake.
- GEAR: Speaking of Jedi's, I was one when I shopped Friday. Scores included an arcteryx shell (!), an i-shuffle (my first i-product! ONE GIG people!), and diarehea pills
- FRIEND OF THE YEAR: I love you all, and the winner is...Maeanna Glenn, for sleeping over my house and driving me 50 minutes to the airport at 3:30am. Damn.

And now, I'm here, in Costa Rica! Spending a few minutes while a sweet gorgeous woman books me 3 nights in one of the world's most wild national parks. Oooh!

Last night I was picked up at San Jose airport by a friend of a friend, who drove me around, fed me, and was just all around awesome. I gave him a bottle of Johnie Walker Black Label, one of his fav's. He housed me in his small guest bedroom. It was awesome.

Then a short prop plane flight to where I am now: the hot, humid, very green Osa peninsula. Lunch in town, purchasing a block of ice (for the fridge - new electricity where I'm going!) and some food supplies. It is soooo chill here.

So much more to say, and you'll here it in a week or two. I'm off to my seculuded house on the beach, surrounded by monkeys and birds and jungle and friendly snakes.

Here we go!!!

Love,
Roni

Clear

What a week! A lot has happened - connections, clarity, letting go, and deciding.

First, the decisions!

I am going to Costa Rica for 10 days on my own starting Dec 8. I just bought the ticket for 514 bucks. Wooooo! I'll be staying in a cozy house on the beach surrounded by jungle (sprinkled with monkeys, birds and a few friendly snakes), gifted to me by a friend and Next Gen Board member. Thank you John! The Osa Peninsula is supposed to be the most beautiful and least developed part of Costa Rica. Perrrrffffect! Rain forest beaches adventure relaxation who knows what here I come!

Decision #2: Today I handed the post man (sounds more auspicious than "mail" man) an envelope with a check for $200 and a one page letter explaining my reasons for my decision to apply for Dutch citizenship. Oops, I mean embark on a 10-day New Year's Vision Quest in Death Valley December 26 - Jan 5. Holy shit! I'm nervous and excited, and the still part of me is clear this is right, and an important step on my path. I'm looking forward to a transformative experience that pushes me to my edges and facilitates my process of growth, rebirth, and who knows what else! All I know is I'm going with maybe a dozen people and a few guides, it will be very cold at night, we'll do rituals and ceremonies and learn some wilderness survival, and I'll walk alone and camp solo in the desert for 3 days and 3 nights, while fasting. Heh, what could that possibly bring up?! No really, this feels like a life changing decision straight from my soul, and I'm excited to have mustered the courage and the clarity to go for it. I am prepared to bravely and humbly surrender to nature, the universe and my destiny.

Decision #3: I'm going to my sister's wedding January 17 in NYC! A no brainer here. I love my sister and I'm excited. I'll see my mom and dear childhood friends as well. AND, while I'm in the area, I'm going to take the train to Washington, DC to join probably a million people and witness Barack Obama get sworn in as our next president! The dates were just too aligned to let that opportunity of a lifetime pass me by. I invite any and all friends and family to join me. Why the heck not?!

Decision #4: Shit Krouzman, another decision? What's the deal, you on mushrooms or something? Mushrooms?! What mushrooms? Oh, THOSE mushrooms. How do you know about those mushrooms? You reading ahead or something? Anyway, decision #4 is I will leave my house of 3 and a half years at the end of January. It's been a good run, and it's time to move on, especially considering Decision #5.

Decision #5: February is my "Who the Fuck Knows Let's Step Off Into the World" month! No stressing about awkward Valentine's Days or whether some rodent sees his shadow, though I may miss the REI used gear sale. I'm thinking of voyages to friends and forests and islands in the Pacific Northwest, and then, Asia perhaps! The South East beckons. But remember the title of this month! I'm not setting anything in stone yet. I'm keeping it open to whatever moves my soul and whatever arises.

Deci - OK enough decisions already, you're makin' my head spin, and that ain't good cus' my tummy is still stuffed full of turkey. Fine, there's one more, and it's sick - SICK - but you don't get to hear it. Ha!

You do, however, get a little glimpse into my process around all this, which will interest some of you, and bore / confound others. Ooh, actually that's a big task. The gist of it is, you all know this is a big period of transformation and letting go for me, a combination of relaxation, growth, and adventure. I'd been kickin' around ideas like Thailand and an archetypal hero's journey through Laos and then thought, "Krouzman, chill. That's your ego again needing to make plans and be bad-ass. That's no different than before. Just go easy on yourself and stay open. It will be more fun and you'll open more to things falling into place in due time."

And, suddenly, they did. I think my fast had something to do with it. God after 24 hours I was like shit please please let me have a burg - no no, I was like, "Dude, it's clear. I'm doing this vision quest. I'm going to Costa Rica. I'm changing my citizenship. I'm telling that girl I really like her." Perfect.

And here we are now. On the other end. Stayed, and staying, with my fears, and wild enthusiasm for life, and going for it in a way that feels balanced and good. Yeah!

Much love,
Roni

PS - What a week! Besides all this, I:
- Fasted for 48 hours (see above)
- Enjoyed a sweet potluck with friends
- Danced ecstaticly Wednesday night at a sweet ballroom in Oakland
- Foraged giant oyster mushrooms in the woods near my house
- Walked for hours through the precious forests that surround me
- Spent a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends
- Had an epic therapy session
- Cried and screamed and punched my pillow to continue my grieving process
- Connected in some very deep way with a wonderful new human in my life and more closely with less-new wonderful humans...no IDEA where all that will go, and it's OK!
- Mom, I even cleaned my freakin' room! AND called you! Fuck yeah!

All this while also going food shopping, going to the bank, clipping my finger nails, trimming my beard, doing the dishes (most of 'em), driving my friend to the airport, spending 3 hours on gmail chat, AND saving four kids in that horrible orphanage fire!

It's amazing all you can get done in retirement. I highly recommend it.



(Here's me and Lils with our forest booty by the way... These babies sear soooo tasty!)

OK my friends, if you've read this far, you get a special treat: Decision #6! I am changing my name to Roni Dolphin Bat. OK, that's not true. There is no big decision #6 quite yet. Well, I think I might sell my Volvo. That's pretty big.



Finally, you get another pic. This is me kicking the shit out my pillow, instead of kicking the shit out of _______, _______, and even ________. It's great. We do that here in Fairfax. I recommend it for you New Yorkers and Israelis. I think you'll enjoy it, and it might cut down on your high crime / war rate.

9 Months Later...Re-Birthing

I am approaching the 24th hour of a 48-hour fast. I'll put aside my East Coast judgments and just write.

Exactly 9 months since my last post (the synchronisity), and I am changed, and changing. Re-birthing.

Here's the down-low.

8 months of growth struggle and moments of beauty and deep connection with a wonderful woman being are over, and I have few regrets. 6 years after starting the non-profit I have nurtured to its current state, I leave, intentionally and with heart, with no regrets and many blessings for its future. All the while, a lot of growth, and a conscious decision to let go and step into a new world, really, at this point, a world between worlds.

I said this would be my year of graceful endings. Little did I know what the universe would have in store for me!

I see myself on a voyage between the world I've know for 31 years - control, reason, holding on, planning, grasping, avoiding, fighting, defending - to a new world, of trust, opening, mystery, flow, meaning, acceptance, purpose, and a sensual connection with life, whatever it brings.

It's not about letting go of all the old. It's about letting go of some of it, and embracing much that is new, and coming into balance as a whole being on this precious planet.

The shift is happening, and it's incredible, and it's terrifying and fascinating and mysterious and makes sense on the deepest level. It's been hard and it has been beautiful and it is bearing a lot of fruit.

It's in my dreams. It's in the pod of 50 dolphins that greeted me at the ocean last week, followed by not one, but 2 shooting stars. It's in the forest. It's in the bat that circled my head a dozen times today when I bowed my head there and asked for guidance. As if the hawk's call and giant redwoods were not enough.

It's been a rich nine months: bonfires on the beach, dear, dear friends, cascading tears, hard, important work, helping elect - and celebrate - a new president!, savoring the spring and summer, weathering anxiety, relaxing deeply, floating in the swimming pool for hours, investing deeply in a relationship, loving, Burning Man!!, new music, dressing up, dancing, working through tough internal stuff, embracing, bit by bit and in a very real, organic way, a new understanding of myself and the world.

There is order. There is mystery. We have a purpose. We are held. Our paths are noble, if we can find and stay on them. Faith is key there. So is nature. And the love of friends. And loving ourselves.

And also, recently for me, dolphins and shooting stars and bats, and feathers and candle light and ritual and fasting. And always writing. We need help on this voyage between worlds. We need help, period.

What's next? Continued transformation is my strong guess. Gelling dreams of travel, to the jungles of Costa Rica, to the solitude of death valley in late December, to New York for my dear sister's wedding, to DC for the inauguration of Barack Obama!, to an as yet unidentified location with my closest male friends, and then, February...to Thailand? Laos? ............

I'm staying open to what comes, to how I feel, to what I need, to messages and meaning and opportunities. I don't know if this is the "right" way to live, but it's feeling more like the only way to me.

Love to you. And thanks for supporting me on this voyage.

I fucking love my new hoodie(s)!

I do. So much. I bought it yesterday in San Francisco at my favorite clothing store, Villains, which I've been to twice and never seem to be able to leave without "dropping" as they say large amounts of money.

My hoodie is amazing. It's part cotton, part cashmere, so soft. Here's me in my hoodie. I feel like Obi Wan, but even cooler.

Believe it or not it's my first hoodie ever! It cost a ridiculous amount of money. I spent more on this hoodie than I've ever spent on any article of clothing (that my mom didn't buy me, cus she bought me this super expensive coat a few years ago, because that's what (jewish) moms do, and also Z Cavaricci jeans that I really didn't want but she insisted I needed in 8th grade that cost $80 in 1992, back when we still had a functional government mostly and $80 was worth something). Anyway part of the fun was flirting with the salesclerk, part of it was my friend Ellis telling me how money I looked in it and begging me to buy it - insisting really - and the best part was when a storm knocked out power for this trendy store and they had to close and I said to the salesclerk, "Get the manager to knock 25% off this, and I'll buy this hoodie right now," which of course is unheard of because we don't live in Calcutta AND this is a trendy store, the kind initially you're not sure you're cool enough for, but my Israeli father trained me well and wouldn't you know, the manager agrees without batting an eye, and I give her a high five and then proudly model my new ___-dollar hoodie to the young salesclerks, most of whom were very supportive of my decision.

So finally, 3 years after the popularization of hoodies, I have a great hoodie. Actually now I have three because I bought two others the next hour, one in the __ range and one just above the _ range at a thrift store. I'm wearing my hoodie now and it feels so good.

OK, enough about hoodies already. Let's talk about something more familiar. Last night I broiled a whole red snapper Mediteranean-style, and made mussels marinara, and we ate it with saffron rice and kale in a beautiful house with sweet, sweet friends. It was the fucking bomb. It's funny whenever Republicans make fun of how we live here in Marin County, cus' I'm like, "Dude, I LOVE my hikes, the beautiful houses here - large and small - the sense of community, the delicious food, the wonderful open people, and yes, the hot tubs! Soaking in a hot tub is epic. If you're making fun of people who like hot tubs you're clearly just jealous that it's too damn humid in your red state to enjoy hot tubbing. Either that or you're straight off the Mayflower."

K, my rant (or as we say here in Marin, "sharing") for the day.

Oh, one more thing. I wish, for those who haven't been to Fairfax, I could fully describe what it's like in the Fairfix Cafe right now (it's always like this here), where my friends Jimmy, Ellis and I (drinking chai, in my hoodie) are all blogging and such. To my left two middle-aged men are having a series of serious discussions ranging from Buddhism to Kale and now to the "Aging Process." In front of me a man in a red wool cap has just purchased a hot chocolate-type drink and taken but one step away from the counter before diving into the whipped cream, which still adorns his mustache. The high school boys who were trying to play the Rocky soundtrack on their harmonica while pretending to ignore the high school girls two tables over have now left, as have the high school girls in the short skirts and tall boots who were pretending not to notice the high school boys. All around me people are enjoying pitas and soups and salads and chais, and my Palestinian counter-guy friend Sa'ad (as often happens between open-hearted Israelis and Palestinians, we became friends the moment we found out we were from the same battered land) is joking with the Yucatanian bus boy, and the middle-aged friends to my left are now on to shoulder injuries and their role in the prevention of enjoying tennis, and now onto the Oscars, right, which are tonight, and Jon Stewart is hosting!, but you might not know it in this town, it's so Norman Rockwell meets Woodstock and I freakin' love it!

Vote Obama Tuesday

Many of you have probably already decided to vote Barack Obama in Tuesday's democratic primary. Great! Do it, and get others to.

Obama is gaining big-time in the polls - he's just short of Hillary now nationally, after being down 20+ points! There is extraordinary momentum around his campaign right now, and I hope he’ll be our next president.

Here's an awesome Obama music video. I found it really inspiring and well produced. www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY&3

Email your friends the video, and encourage them to vote Obama. If you like, you can go to www.moveon.org and pledge to email a certain number of friends and encourage them to vote Obama. These endorsements make a huge difference, especially for people who are less involved politically.

Either way, spread the word. Independent voters, especially young voters, made the difference in Iowa, and they will make the difference this election. People are being saturated with TV ads - but they aren't hearing as much from their friends.

If you are unsure about Obama…
Hhere's my rationale: I think he is more progressive than Hillary, has more integrity, and has a better chance of winning in the November election. Hillary is more corporate and centrist, she seems manipulative (duh), and she's hated by half this country, including many independents.

Most liberals will vote for the democratic nominee no matter what, and most conservatives will vote for the republican. So-called independents will most likely tip the election, as they often do. And Obama has been attracting independents like flies to honey. They love his message of hope and a new, more uniting politics.

If McCain wins the Republican primary, as it seems he probably will, he'll be a tough candidate for democrats to beat, in particular because of his strong appeal to independents. I can't see Hillary beating McCain - but I can see Obama beating him. And we NEED to win the November election, if we want any chance of leaving Iraq and slowing climate change and salvaging our economy and being the kind of nation we'd like to be again.

No, Obama isn't perfect, and he’s light on the details. And of course, our system is deeply flawed. But I believe Obama is better than Hillary, and he has a better chance of beating John McCain or any Republican in November. And I know most anyone reading this email would prefer a President Obama taking office in a year than a President McCain.

Finally, Obama is actually inspiring, which will fire-up the democratic base to work for him and will engage more people in public life, which I believe we desperately need right now.

22 states are holding primaries this Tuesday, and your state is almost certainly one of them. In states like California, you can vote in the Democratic primary even if you aren’t a registered democrat. Please vote.

Peace and thanks,
Roni

PS – Please do not reply to all if you wish to reply, and please email me if you like to let me know if emails like these make a difference. Thanks.

Floods, Epic Hikes and a Mighty Crab Feast!

What a weekend! It rained and rained and rained, and then rained some more, until Friday night when my street literally became a raging flooded river for the second time in two years. While some neighbors fretted over potential damage, which I of course don't wish on anyone (well, almost anyone), I must say I was euphoric. I love, and have always loved, natural disasters, as long as no one dies. There's something about one's street becoming a river that is just so primal - it triggers my male survival what-in-here-would-make-a-good-raft gene, or something.

Needless to say, what water didn't end up in the streets ended up soaking the hills that surround Marin County, and the hikes this weekend were epic, the best they get! I did a two mile loop through the beautiful woods down the street from my house Saturday morning, then met some friends for a 5 mile hike through waterfalls, canyons and forest two miles from my house. So fun and beautiful! Today, I organized a posse of three guy friends to hike Cataract Falls, which I think might be the closest you'll get to Hawaii on the mainland. Picture towering trees, including redwoods, shrouded by a mist and light rain falling on about a mile and a half of cascading waterfalls gushing with torrents of water down 1,000 jungle-like vertical feet. Unreal.

Better yet, view the actual pictures by entering the website of the Fraternorority I preside over and checking out the Cataract Falls Hike 2008 pics. Epic. http://bdsanga.googlepages.com/home

It wasn't all nature this weekend. (Good segue, Krouzman!) I saw a great strange avant garde play put on by the Traveling Jewish Theater Saturday night (which actually included a scene of a guy with a huge fake penis fucking a stuffed deer, something we've all of course envisioned and joked about, but don't really expect to see), then met up with my friend Luke and his friends at El Rincon, a bar / club in San Francisco's Mission District featuring great afro-funk music and more stunningly beautiful women in one place than I think I saw in all of 2007. No offense to any Fairfaxians, there are many beauties among you! It was so "Luke" that when I called he happened to be 2 blocks away at such a cool place and welcomed me with open arms, though he did mess the address up cus he was drunk.

Just when the weekend couldn't get any better, my dear friend Liam rolled into town today for a 2-month stint! After our hike, I cooked up a delicious local crab, spinach salad, rice and brussel sprout feat for him and 4 other good guy friends. It was off the hook. We laughed our asses off and talked about sensitive things like the orphans Ellis has been helping out and Elan's latest charity drive. Also a few other things that aren't fit for my mom's ears. Hi mom! Don't worry, she's cool with the sheep thing cus she spent lots of time on a Kibbutz when she was young. Wow this is dangerous territory.

OK Roni, off to bed. Yay rain, forests, friends, feasts, Obama trouncing Hillary and NOT being sick anymore!

Hikes, Politics and Back to Work

This was my first week back to work after an awesome 3-week vacation. I direct Next Generation, a community organization I founded 5 years ago to help young people learn more about social issues, gain leadership skills and take action for peace and our environment. As much as I believe in what we do, it always feels challenging to come back after an extended break. I certainly feel a burden in my role as director, and boss of 6 people. Saving graces for me are our inspiring programs and the amazing people I work with. Check out www.gonextgeneration.org if you want to learn more.

I went on a beautiful hike with friends this past weekend. It had rained for days, and we hiked probably 6 miles round trip through the beautiful misty hills and valleys of Marin County, where I live, to Carson Falls. Here's what it looked like!

More pics of our little voyage are on-line at www.flickr.com/photos/22247862@N03/sets/72157603682961628/

Wow, that's a mouthful of a URL. You can also click on any of the thumbnails below.

www.flickr.com

Finally, politics. I was elated that Barack Obama won the Iowa Primary, and saddened that he lost New Hampshire. I still think he has a good shot. I know I'm anti-Clinton - she's far too corporate and conservative for my taste. I'm still confused about Obama - I think he's doing a masterful job communicating to some of our deepest hopes for this country and the world, but when I explore the meat of his issues, I find them quite centrist and unispiring. I'll share more of my thoughts in the days to come. In the meantime, I'll say that electoral politics is always a choice between 2, and Obama seems better to me than Clinton. This election will be so very important, and younger adults under 35 may well be the deciding factor, as they were in Iowa.

My First Time Surfing...in Maui!

OK, the much awaited video has arrived. Hookipa, Maui. Famous surf spot. Check me out!

New Year's 2007!!!

Happy New Year everyone! Friends and I celebrated by going out to dinner, then cruisin' between the jam packed rockin' local dive bar, a very mellow gathering around the fire at our friends' house, and a hippie dance party at the local ayurveda center, all very nearby (within 100 yards of each other), and so very far in terms of style! A fun, rich night.

Somehow, I spontaneously grabbed a friend's red slip and dressed like a (hairy) girl. It was fun, confusing, and very cold.

That's me strutting from one party to another in 30 degree weather. God it was cold.

You can thoroughly enjoy more photos on the wesbite for the Fraternorority I run at http://bdsanga.googlepages.com/main Check out BDS New Year's.