Clear

What a week! A lot has happened - connections, clarity, letting go, and deciding.

First, the decisions!

I am going to Costa Rica for 10 days on my own starting Dec 8. I just bought the ticket for 514 bucks. Wooooo! I'll be staying in a cozy house on the beach surrounded by jungle (sprinkled with monkeys, birds and a few friendly snakes), gifted to me by a friend and Next Gen Board member. Thank you John! The Osa Peninsula is supposed to be the most beautiful and least developed part of Costa Rica. Perrrrffffect! Rain forest beaches adventure relaxation who knows what here I come!

Decision #2: Today I handed the post man (sounds more auspicious than "mail" man) an envelope with a check for $200 and a one page letter explaining my reasons for my decision to apply for Dutch citizenship. Oops, I mean embark on a 10-day New Year's Vision Quest in Death Valley December 26 - Jan 5. Holy shit! I'm nervous and excited, and the still part of me is clear this is right, and an important step on my path. I'm looking forward to a transformative experience that pushes me to my edges and facilitates my process of growth, rebirth, and who knows what else! All I know is I'm going with maybe a dozen people and a few guides, it will be very cold at night, we'll do rituals and ceremonies and learn some wilderness survival, and I'll walk alone and camp solo in the desert for 3 days and 3 nights, while fasting. Heh, what could that possibly bring up?! No really, this feels like a life changing decision straight from my soul, and I'm excited to have mustered the courage and the clarity to go for it. I am prepared to bravely and humbly surrender to nature, the universe and my destiny.

Decision #3: I'm going to my sister's wedding January 17 in NYC! A no brainer here. I love my sister and I'm excited. I'll see my mom and dear childhood friends as well. AND, while I'm in the area, I'm going to take the train to Washington, DC to join probably a million people and witness Barack Obama get sworn in as our next president! The dates were just too aligned to let that opportunity of a lifetime pass me by. I invite any and all friends and family to join me. Why the heck not?!

Decision #4: Shit Krouzman, another decision? What's the deal, you on mushrooms or something? Mushrooms?! What mushrooms? Oh, THOSE mushrooms. How do you know about those mushrooms? You reading ahead or something? Anyway, decision #4 is I will leave my house of 3 and a half years at the end of January. It's been a good run, and it's time to move on, especially considering Decision #5.

Decision #5: February is my "Who the Fuck Knows Let's Step Off Into the World" month! No stressing about awkward Valentine's Days or whether some rodent sees his shadow, though I may miss the REI used gear sale. I'm thinking of voyages to friends and forests and islands in the Pacific Northwest, and then, Asia perhaps! The South East beckons. But remember the title of this month! I'm not setting anything in stone yet. I'm keeping it open to whatever moves my soul and whatever arises.

Deci - OK enough decisions already, you're makin' my head spin, and that ain't good cus' my tummy is still stuffed full of turkey. Fine, there's one more, and it's sick - SICK - but you don't get to hear it. Ha!

You do, however, get a little glimpse into my process around all this, which will interest some of you, and bore / confound others. Ooh, actually that's a big task. The gist of it is, you all know this is a big period of transformation and letting go for me, a combination of relaxation, growth, and adventure. I'd been kickin' around ideas like Thailand and an archetypal hero's journey through Laos and then thought, "Krouzman, chill. That's your ego again needing to make plans and be bad-ass. That's no different than before. Just go easy on yourself and stay open. It will be more fun and you'll open more to things falling into place in due time."

And, suddenly, they did. I think my fast had something to do with it. God after 24 hours I was like shit please please let me have a burg - no no, I was like, "Dude, it's clear. I'm doing this vision quest. I'm going to Costa Rica. I'm changing my citizenship. I'm telling that girl I really like her." Perfect.

And here we are now. On the other end. Stayed, and staying, with my fears, and wild enthusiasm for life, and going for it in a way that feels balanced and good. Yeah!

Much love,
Roni

PS - What a week! Besides all this, I:
- Fasted for 48 hours (see above)
- Enjoyed a sweet potluck with friends
- Danced ecstaticly Wednesday night at a sweet ballroom in Oakland
- Foraged giant oyster mushrooms in the woods near my house
- Walked for hours through the precious forests that surround me
- Spent a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends
- Had an epic therapy session
- Cried and screamed and punched my pillow to continue my grieving process
- Connected in some very deep way with a wonderful new human in my life and more closely with less-new wonderful humans...no IDEA where all that will go, and it's OK!
- Mom, I even cleaned my freakin' room! AND called you! Fuck yeah!

All this while also going food shopping, going to the bank, clipping my finger nails, trimming my beard, doing the dishes (most of 'em), driving my friend to the airport, spending 3 hours on gmail chat, AND saving four kids in that horrible orphanage fire!

It's amazing all you can get done in retirement. I highly recommend it.



(Here's me and Lils with our forest booty by the way... These babies sear soooo tasty!)

OK my friends, if you've read this far, you get a special treat: Decision #6! I am changing my name to Roni Dolphin Bat. OK, that's not true. There is no big decision #6 quite yet. Well, I think I might sell my Volvo. That's pretty big.



Finally, you get another pic. This is me kicking the shit out my pillow, instead of kicking the shit out of _______, _______, and even ________. It's great. We do that here in Fairfax. I recommend it for you New Yorkers and Israelis. I think you'll enjoy it, and it might cut down on your high crime / war rate.

9 Months Later...Re-Birthing

I am approaching the 24th hour of a 48-hour fast. I'll put aside my East Coast judgments and just write.

Exactly 9 months since my last post (the synchronisity), and I am changed, and changing. Re-birthing.

Here's the down-low.

8 months of growth struggle and moments of beauty and deep connection with a wonderful woman being are over, and I have few regrets. 6 years after starting the non-profit I have nurtured to its current state, I leave, intentionally and with heart, with no regrets and many blessings for its future. All the while, a lot of growth, and a conscious decision to let go and step into a new world, really, at this point, a world between worlds.

I said this would be my year of graceful endings. Little did I know what the universe would have in store for me!

I see myself on a voyage between the world I've know for 31 years - control, reason, holding on, planning, grasping, avoiding, fighting, defending - to a new world, of trust, opening, mystery, flow, meaning, acceptance, purpose, and a sensual connection with life, whatever it brings.

It's not about letting go of all the old. It's about letting go of some of it, and embracing much that is new, and coming into balance as a whole being on this precious planet.

The shift is happening, and it's incredible, and it's terrifying and fascinating and mysterious and makes sense on the deepest level. It's been hard and it has been beautiful and it is bearing a lot of fruit.

It's in my dreams. It's in the pod of 50 dolphins that greeted me at the ocean last week, followed by not one, but 2 shooting stars. It's in the forest. It's in the bat that circled my head a dozen times today when I bowed my head there and asked for guidance. As if the hawk's call and giant redwoods were not enough.

It's been a rich nine months: bonfires on the beach, dear, dear friends, cascading tears, hard, important work, helping elect - and celebrate - a new president!, savoring the spring and summer, weathering anxiety, relaxing deeply, floating in the swimming pool for hours, investing deeply in a relationship, loving, Burning Man!!, new music, dressing up, dancing, working through tough internal stuff, embracing, bit by bit and in a very real, organic way, a new understanding of myself and the world.

There is order. There is mystery. We have a purpose. We are held. Our paths are noble, if we can find and stay on them. Faith is key there. So is nature. And the love of friends. And loving ourselves.

And also, recently for me, dolphins and shooting stars and bats, and feathers and candle light and ritual and fasting. And always writing. We need help on this voyage between worlds. We need help, period.

What's next? Continued transformation is my strong guess. Gelling dreams of travel, to the jungles of Costa Rica, to the solitude of death valley in late December, to New York for my dear sister's wedding, to DC for the inauguration of Barack Obama!, to an as yet unidentified location with my closest male friends, and then, February...to Thailand? Laos? ............

I'm staying open to what comes, to how I feel, to what I need, to messages and meaning and opportunities. I don't know if this is the "right" way to live, but it's feeling more like the only way to me.

Love to you. And thanks for supporting me on this voyage.