It's Such a Good, Feeling, to Know You're Alive

My mother is generally a tolerant person, but she taught us to hate three things: orthodox Jews, Ronald Reagan, and, for some reason, Mr. Rogers.

The second one I understood, and to some extent the first. But the third, well, I think it confounded my sister and I.

I'm not sure what it was about Mr. Roger's down home American sensibility that so offended my mother. Maybe the tell-it-like-it-is Israeli in her just couldn't stand someone who was always so, well, nice.

In any case, I liked Mr. Rogers, despite my mom's invectives. His business casual dress, the train to fantasy land, and, of course, his theme song...they all soothed me in a certain way.

I found myself humming the tune to "It's Such a Good, Feeling, to Know You're Alive," today at my favorite waterfall in Pai. Isn't she fucking gorgeous?

In addition to conjuring childhood songs, I also loved sitting perched in the limestone canyon where the fall deposits her water listening to my i-Pod (like a brain, except with lots less gigs - especially mine, which has only one - and yet somehow it makes the music sound so much more real. If you use your imagination, something i-Pod's can't do but brains can, picture me sitting on the little rock outcropping on the right.)

After you've been sick the smallest act - just walking - feels like it's all you need. I certainly didn't go through it in any way that was too serious or gut-wrenching. But still, to be able to ride a motorbike and climb rocks and eat vegetables, to get out of bed even after 5 days mostly in bed, this is certainly a good feeling. It's as if a giant metal doughnut has been hoisted off the vital being that is your body (look this analogy up if you've not familiar with the obscure American sport of "baseball").

So I'm slowly coming to, coming back to the world of health. Look, here I am sitting up and eating a large portion of rice AND vegetables! (I really was happier than I look - it's the whole camera timer thing).

Food (no street food, yet!), adventures, simple pleasures - these all come with health. And also, fears and doubts and grief and that other side of our humanity. Oh shit, now I have a choice what I want to do, and the luxury of letting my mind wander.

To sadness sometimes, for some reason. Yes I've been feeling some sadness yesterday and today and I'm not sure why. I'm somewhere in between comfort and fear, and that's some of what's there.

It's actually a bit of a roller coaster, though not a big one like 6 Flags. More like the Santa Cruz board walk coaster, in slow motion, with lots of breaks to look out at the ocean.

Oooh, yummy sleep. Hey, some stress. Ah, beautiful morning birds. Relllaaax... Hey these people are weird. Let's get out of here. Yay motorbike! Boo dumb American girls! What am I doing here? Ah, this is why I'm here! I miss her. I miss...I'm not sure what. Oooh, I could go to Laos! Oh no I could get sick in Laos!

So yeah, being sick did not knock the crazy out of me. Definitely not. Sorry family and childhood friends!

As for what's next, who knows. I think I'll head back to Chaing Mai in a few days, then maybe to Chang Rai, and Laos, as I've said. The Mekong is still calling. And yet last night Thailand's southern islands called rather loudly for the first time as well!

Of course I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Roni

ps - Today I bought my first pair of Thai pants (OK, I bought two), and they feel great! Now I'll finally fit in with everyone else at the Sausalito Sweat or the Good Earth bench, and become the butt of jokes by some Neanderthal who's never even flown over the Pacific. Can you believe some people?!